Why is it that we are so self-centered when we want something? So self centered to the point where you don't realise what those close to you are feeling or even care what they think. How do we manage to push their opinions and their feelings out of mind? How does something become more important than those we love?
I have been so intent on wanting to be married. I thought that because we had discussed it, that it was all out in the open, that it was all ok...except for the conditions he had imposed. So now that I have reached the age condition what now? I had been so focused on wanting to be married that forgot to find out exactly how HE felt about it. And so we had that awkward discussion.
We can often think irrationally when we are so intently focused on something we want. And that is what I did. I know that I want this - to be married. But I had forgotten to think of all the practical things, things that HE was thinking of. And when we discuss it the mature and practical thoughts he has terrify me, they make it seem so real...but isn't that what I want?
To be honest, the idea of being married, especially at my age, both terrifies and excites me. It excites me for the sole reason of marrying the love of my life and committing myself to him. But it also terrifies me because I wonder if I am ready. I am only 20, and although I have become independent of sorts by living out of home, I wonder if I am really ready to step out and start a new family.
We are often told to grow up, and I thought that had come with time, but when do we really know we have? How do we tell?
Monday, July 20, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Mental torture
I realise that I haven't blogged in a while, but I had a few thoughts tonight...
Why is it that we choose to torture ourselves and submit ourselves to things that we know affect us in what would be described as the "wrong way"? This is the thought I am having tonight. I am sitting at home, listening to the Transformers 2 soundtrack and there is a common theme in the songs that I don't think is mentally healthy for me to listen to at this time...and yet I continue to do so.
OK, so on the weekend I had a friend's engagement party, which was hard enough for me to get through. Not that I wasn't incredibly happy for them, I am. But the fact that they are younger and have been together less time is frustrating to me. I know that I really want to get married - I am with the love of my life. But I know that I have issues that I need to sort out before we do. And I suppose this ties in to what I am listening to tonight.
The theme of the songs from the Transformer's 2 soundtrack are based around lost love. And for some reason, as I sit at home alone listening to this, I begin to feel incredibly lonely and it eats away at the back of my mind. And so I think to myself 'why do I continue to listen to this?'
But would I be the only one who has even done this? Some girls would feel detached from their partners and yet continue to watch romantic movies. Boys would lose their licences and yet continue to want after cars. And so I feel lonely and listen to music which only fuels this feeling.
What makes us subjects ourselves to this kind of mental torture? Why do we insist on continuing habits we know are unhealthy for ourselves? I don't know the answer.
Why is it that we choose to torture ourselves and submit ourselves to things that we know affect us in what would be described as the "wrong way"? This is the thought I am having tonight. I am sitting at home, listening to the Transformers 2 soundtrack and there is a common theme in the songs that I don't think is mentally healthy for me to listen to at this time...and yet I continue to do so.
OK, so on the weekend I had a friend's engagement party, which was hard enough for me to get through. Not that I wasn't incredibly happy for them, I am. But the fact that they are younger and have been together less time is frustrating to me. I know that I really want to get married - I am with the love of my life. But I know that I have issues that I need to sort out before we do. And I suppose this ties in to what I am listening to tonight.
The theme of the songs from the Transformer's 2 soundtrack are based around lost love. And for some reason, as I sit at home alone listening to this, I begin to feel incredibly lonely and it eats away at the back of my mind. And so I think to myself 'why do I continue to listen to this?'
But would I be the only one who has even done this? Some girls would feel detached from their partners and yet continue to watch romantic movies. Boys would lose their licences and yet continue to want after cars. And so I feel lonely and listen to music which only fuels this feeling.
What makes us subjects ourselves to this kind of mental torture? Why do we insist on continuing habits we know are unhealthy for ourselves? I don't know the answer.
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