Dreaming...take 2

This is the dream/nightmare I had the other week. I've only got a small portion of it written down, and there are many gaps to fill in, but it would get too long if I wrote it all in here now.

~~

When I found out I would be attending the reputable Riverside Institute I was excited. I had only heard good words about the exclusive boarding school. In fact, my reasoning for wanting to enrol was after I had met one of their graduates. His name was Michael, and after graduating the Riverside Institute had obtained instant employment in one of the government intelligence departments where he worked his way up and now had over 50 people answering to him. And only last year did he celebrate his thirtieth birthday.

The first year flew by, and now I was ready to go back for my second. I enjoyed the lessons, the teachers, and the recreation. With the warm climate, the river was always a welcome relief from the blaring sun. During the winter, however, the river was like ice, and very few dared to venture out.

When I returned to the campus, however, I was in for a rude surprise.

------ [still need to fill in what happens in the first semester] ------

It was beginning of the second semester, and I could not have felt less enthusiastic about the days that were to unfold. I did, however, notice a new student. Given the rate at which people had disappeared lately, the imprisoned population had shrunk, and anyone we did not recognise stood out. He looked around him with the sort of shock that we all had at first.

That afternoon I went for a swim in the river. The water was cold, but not icy, but still I was the only one daring enough to swim in this weather. I remember the 'before' as clear as day. There were three students on the shore, chatting quietly as they utilised their rare moments of 'freedom'. The sun was out, but there were dark clouds on the horizon. As I swam about the river, doing laps to the opposite bank and back I suddenly felt normal again, and smiled to myself. Reaching the other side of the river I dove under, and when I came back up the students by the shore were gone, and the clouds what were in the distance were now overhead. Everything about the scene was eerie, and I make for shore as quickly as possible.

Half way back I felt something against my foot in the water. I stopped and trod water, but when I didn't feel anything else I wondered if I had imagined it and continued. As far as I knew there was nothing in this river. All of a sudden something pulled me under the water by my foot. I managed to take one last breath before my head went under. I kicked my left foot, feeling something sharp biting down. Using my right foot I kicked down and made contact with something hard. Still sinking, I kicked again and again, my lungs starting to burn from lack of oxygen. As soon as I felt release I swam as hard as I could with my remaining strength towards the surface. But my timing was not exactly perfect. As I took my breath, craving the oxygen, a small wave created by my panicked movements caused me to swallow a substantial amount of the river water. I coughed, almost choking on the water, still disorientated from my ordeal.

Looking to where I had to swim, back towards the shore I thought I saw someone standing there, watching everything. I watched as they dove into the river and started towards me, my eyes blurred and stinging with river water. I felt a dull pain on my neck and I could feel my strength leaving me. The blurred vision changed to darkness and my limbs, as heavy as lead weights, seemed as light as a feather. I felt as if I was floating.

The dark world in which my mind was enclosed seemed warm and safe. It was nothing like the outside, where our teachers had taken on the curriculum of a communist society, trying to develop their own small army of devoted slaves. We all saw through their plan, but there was nothing we could do about it. They were so much stronger than us, and anyone who appeared to disobey them, or show signs of independent thought contrary to what they were teaching was punished.

So is this why I was captured in this dark realm? Did they believe that the darkness was a punishment? But I don't recall showing any signs of resistance against their teachings.

Happy Birthday Jesse!

I've been trying to think of a new blog topic lately, but there hasn't really been much on my mind.

All I have really been focused on is how unusually exhausted I am, and how it is quite clear from the ulcer I have. This is the fifth day, and while I can eat a little better, and drink and talk, it still stings. I'm still keeping myself on softer foods that I don't have to chew very much. I've been trying to get more sleep, and I'm sleeping better. I haven't had a nightmare in a week, though my last one would make quite a twisted horror movie, I'll get around to writing it down soon.

I am quite looking forward to the long weekend. Though I have events on both Friday and Saturday nights I will try and limit myself and not push myself, and I will have both Sunday and Monday to sleep in and recover. I am a much better person at work now that I can feel the absolute exhaustion slipping away to simply fatigue. I had comments from 3 co-workers that I was not myself, but I feel I am getting better.

Well, I best be off and start on writing down the twisted scenes my mind creates while I am sleeping.

Burned

I am not sure if the right word is fortunate, but I shall use it in the meantime, to discover the way in which our body tells us to slow down. Except my problem is, I don't know how to slow down any further.

I have come to conclusion that when I am burned out I get mouth ulsers. If you have ever experienced these before you know that they are painful and frustrating for eating, drinking and talking. Answering phones at work becomes a chore because it hurts so much, but someone has to. And so, I am burned out...but how to recover?

I can't scale back my bed time much further. I guess I shall try for 10.30 as opposed to 11pm and see how that goes. On weekends I can't scale back my partying lifestyle because, well, I haven't had one in over a month. So this leaves only one final option: work.

So how do I scale back on work without losing my job?

Quick Thought

Just a very short thought for tonight.

Why is it that we hurts ourselves to feel something, just to know that we are alive?

Nightmares and Fears

I had a nightmare the other night, and it scared the hell out of me. I don't know what time of the morning it was when I woke up, but I just could not shake the fear. While the images of the nightmare haven't stayed with me, the feeling has. The feeling of complete and utter helplessness, knowing that I couldn't escape, not matter what I did. I would be caught. I tried to write it down, but without the images, the feeling cannot accurately be described.

It also got me thinking about things I fear...and how this felt different. It didn't feel irrational like my other fears seem looking back on them. Fear of the dark, for example. Whenever I am home at night I hate the darkness, and I feel as though something is out there lurking. And I literally run for the light and shut the darkness out.

But the thing about this nightmare I had was that the feeling did not leave me, and even later that morning while I was at work I felt terrified. Normally work is very good and effective for distracting my mind from such things, but this is something I'm struggling to shake.

So why do we have these seemingly irrational fears...and why do we have nightmares?

Believing

I had this thought this morning: I can defend with knowledge what I do not have the faith to believe.

It is mainly relating to something I was reading on a friend's Facebook post about Jesus' views on sex. He is an athiest so natually I did not agree with the content of the article. Although I did not have the time nor the brain-awakedness to responde I knew I could, and yet, I know it's something that I don't necessarily believe.

For months I have been struggling with these things and have trying to work through things both on my own and with Jesse I guess nothing is really fitting in to place. But why would I want to defend something I didn't really believe in...it brings up two questions.

Do I still really believe in this? Why would I defend something I didn't believe in?

So I am quite confused. I have the knowledge of these things from growing up in the church for my whole life, and continue to go. What would you do in this situation? Where would you go from here?

Growing Up

Why is it that we are so self-centered when we want something? So self centered to the point where you don't realise what those close to you are feeling or even care what they think. How do we manage to push their opinions and their feelings out of mind? How does something become more important than those we love?

I have been so intent on wanting to be married. I thought that because we had discussed it, that it was all out in the open, that it was all ok...except for the conditions he had imposed. So now that I have reached the age condition what now? I had been so focused on wanting to be married that forgot to find out exactly how HE felt about it. And so we had that awkward discussion.

We can often think irrationally when we are so intently focused on something we want. And that is what I did. I know that I want this - to be married. But I had forgotten to think of all the practical things, things that HE was thinking of. And when we discuss it the mature and practical thoughts he has terrify me, they make it seem so real...but isn't that what I want?

To be honest, the idea of being married, especially at my age, both terrifies and excites me. It excites me for the sole reason of marrying the love of my life and committing myself to him. But it also terrifies me because I wonder if I am ready. I am only 20, and although I have become independent of sorts by living out of home, I wonder if I am really ready to step out and start a new family.

We are often told to grow up, and I thought that had come with time, but when do we really know we have? How do we tell?

Mental torture

I realise that I haven't blogged in a while, but I had a few thoughts tonight...

Why is it that we choose to torture ourselves and submit ourselves to things that we know affect us in what would be described as the "wrong way"? This is the thought I am having tonight. I am sitting at home, listening to the Transformers 2 soundtrack and there is a common theme in the songs that I don't think is mentally healthy for me to listen to at this time...and yet I continue to do so.

OK, so on the weekend I had a friend's engagement party, which was hard enough for me to get through. Not that I wasn't incredibly happy for them, I am. But the fact that they are younger and have been together less time is frustrating to me. I know that I really want to get married - I am with the love of my life. But I know that I have issues that I need to sort out before we do. And I suppose this ties in to what I am listening to tonight.

The theme of the songs from the Transformer's 2 soundtrack are based around lost love. And for some reason, as I sit at home alone listening to this, I begin to feel incredibly lonely and it eats away at the back of my mind. And so I think to myself 'why do I continue to listen to this?'

But would I be the only one who has even done this? Some girls would feel detached from their partners and yet continue to watch romantic movies. Boys would lose their licences and yet continue to want after cars. And so I feel lonely and listen to music which only fuels this feeling.

What makes us subjects ourselves to this kind of mental torture? Why do we insist on continuing habits we know are unhealthy for ourselves? I don't know the answer.

Mistakes

There is a quote that JD from Scrubs says that I just can't get out of my head: "Even if you've done a procedure five thousand times, there's no guarantee you won't screw up number five thousand, one."

So what is it that makes us mess up what is most likely second nature to us? We have done things so many times before, so what makes this time different? Do we never truly master anything? Or are we simply distracted that five thousand, first time?

They say that practice makes perfect, but what makes that four thousand nine hundred and ninety nineth time so different to the five thousand, first? What is it that distracts us?

So can we stop ourselves from repeating the mistakes we make? Does practice ever really stop us from making them? Or does life work on ratios? 5000:1 right to wrong? But generally the odds are substantially lower, at least that is what I've found...or is that just me?

Dreaming...

Below is a dream that I had last weekend. It's taken me all week to write it down as it didn't make a whole lot of sense, but here's my best shot:

---
I made the decision that I had to go back to that place. I couldn't just leave my friends there, knowing what was really going on. They couldn't believe that I had just abandoned them, I had to let them know I had escaped...and what I had escaped from.

I guessed the best time to go and see them would be in the evening. I had to be very careful not to be seen, for a couple reasons. First of all, I did not need anyone to recognise me. Secondly, no one else knew about my powers, and that could lead to a lot of awkward questions.

As I snuck along the shadows I glanced up the multi-story building that used to entrap me, shuddering at the memories. I reached the base of the building and slowly levitated up towards. I still could not look down as I did this, I was still not a fan of heights, despite the fact that now I could fly. When I reached the seventh floor I quickly checked to make sure no one was in the room and entered. I had chosen to come during dinner time, when I could be guaranteed the rooms would be empty.

I checked the clock on the wall and I had about a half hour before my friends would be back from dinner. I snuck out of the room I had entered and into the hallway to get to my old room when I heard someone coming. I went in the first door I could find, the girls bathroom, and hid in one of the cubicles.

Just as I had closed the door and locked it I heard the sound of laughter and two girls enter, my friends in fact. But I could not reveal myself yet, there was something nagging at the back on my mind - why had they come in here right after me? I was sceptical about the coincidence, and I had a right to be.

As they were washing their hands the door opened again and I heard the heavy footsteps that haunted me. It was one of the men that ran the facility. He asked my friends about whether they had seen me, and he enquired about the stall that was locked ... the one that I was in. He was so suspicious that I thought he already knew I was here, and I heard the footsteps approach my stall. I levitated off the ground so he could not see any feet under the door. His actions to me were appropriate, but I heard protests of disgust and disapproval from my friends.

"Go on, get back to dinner," he said, ushering my friends out the door.

I couldn't risk leaving out the front so I opened a window and managed to squeeze out and fly around to the balcony of my friends' room.

I waited there for about 15 minutes before they arrived back in their room. When they saw me they were really surprised, and I had to insist strongly that they keep quiet.

"But what happened? Where did you go?"

They fired questions at me, but I could hear those familiar heavy footsteps in the corridor outside.

"I don't really have time to explain it all at the moment. Just come out to the balcony with me," I said, and they followed me. The balcony overlooked a large field, surrounded by a think 6-foot high stone wall which divided the land from the forest that stretched as far as the eye could see. This used to be such a peaceful place to be.

Just as we got out on the balcony the door to the room opened and the man who had confronted my friends in the bathroom appeared. His eyes widened when he saw me and a look of both disgust and attraction flashed across his face.

"You guys are going to have to trust me," I said to my friends as I put an arm around each of them and jumped over the balcony fence.

The screams in my ears were deafening as I kept all three of us from plummeting to our deaths.

But I had overestimated my powers. Instead of being able to fly away, my powers failed and I used all my remaining strength to lower us gently to the ground seven floors below before passing out.

When I woke up I was back in the dungeon where I had escaped from just weeks beforehand. My hands and feet were both bound with chains and I felt so weak.

---
And that's where I woke up for real...

Ramblings

I have a lot of random thoughts. I generally get them while listening to something that grabs my attention and pulls it in another direction. (If that made sense I think we have issues...) But I was listening to a news report about war in Afghanistan and, as only my mind would, wondered, 'would I be able to kill someone?'

What is your first, knee jerk response? Yes? In self defence? That was my first thought too. But then I thought about it more...

OK, I have quite a vivid, perhaps twisted imagination when it comes to my writing, and I have put my main character into a self-defence position on multiple occasions. Yes, she's killed, and (one of my characters) then went on to become a serial killer, trying her very best to protect the identity she has changed so many times she cannot remember. But I don't think I could do it. The emotion that my character expresses and the pure hatred that she feels is something completely foreign to me. I have never felt that afraid or hated someone so much I wanted them dead.

But then I begin to wonder...how can I write these things if I have never felt them? But that is a whole other story.

Rebellion

This is something I wrote quickly at work today...

At what age do we stop rebelling? I know it is very normal for teenagers to go through a phase of rebellion, testing out the waters and seeing how far they can push the boundaries with their parents. I know it drives them crazy, and I guess that's more of an incentive to do it, right? But what if you aren't living at home with your parents, do you lose the motivation for rebelling? What rules are there that you are breaking? None, right?

So what comes next? Breaking general moral rules set for society...even laws. Excessive alcohol consumption, drugs, sex and rock and roll, aren't these the very things our parents were trying to keep us away from? But without them around, we are freer to access these things, flaunt them and not worry about the consequences of them coming home and finding you severely hungover.

We are taught throughout our teenage years about responsible alcohol consumption and about saying no to drugs. So what makes us drink to excess and say yes to what we know is poisoning our body? It's all about rebellion. Peer pressure to be in the "cool" crowd, to be a rebel. To defy authority and flaunt our disrespect.

Ask yourself this question: if you were offered to try some drugs, would you?

Why?

Writer's Block

I have been wanting for some time now, to be able to write something. Not a blog, but a story. I haven't really been able to write anything since I finished college and started working, and it's upsetting for me, as it was quite a big part of who I am. Even though I rarely ever finish a story, I'm struggling to even write any short prose. I'm enveying Gretel who has written a few good poems lately.

This weekend for me has felt lonely. Friday night I didn't go home with Jesse and stayed in the city because Gretel and Rosie were supposed to be home...but with Gretel sick they spent the night in Elizabeth. Then Saturday arvo/night we went bowling and had dinner with a few friends, but people pulled out at the last minute and it was kinda upsetting but I suppose they had their reasons. I didn't end up going clubbing as I was tired and only Luke was free to go with and I just didn't have the energy. (And Jesse had already left, and he was the only one I really wanted to spend time with) Sunday, Rosie had left before I got up, and I didn't have any real human contact until I got to Rage tonight. It was good to catch up with Gretel, and I'm glad she's feeling better today. But tonight I am on my own again...Rosie is staying in Lobey again as it's convenient for work tomorrow, which is fair enough.

The thing that surprises me though, is that, although I know full well my alarm is going to go off at 6.45am I am still awake. My mind doesn't want to shut itself down, and I am forcing myself to write all this down so I can get it out and perhaps tire myself into sleep.

Goodnight.

Thoughts evade me

I've been struggling to write another blog entry for a while now. I think about it and I wonder how it must feel for TV show writers...and the one that comes to mind is Scrubs. I feel like a blog is like JD's last thoughts at the end of the show, bringing up what happened, what he's learned and wrapping it all up...and this time, for good.

I don't actually know what to write about. For some reason thoughts just aren't happening, especially something thought provoking that I can actually write about. ... I had an interesting debate with Jesse, Gretel and Jim via email on Wednesday about the new labour budget. It was very interesting. I do tend to agree with Jesse, though...we are both liberal supporters and Gretel is not. If anyone wishes to view the debate (if anyone actually reads this) I have it all printed out.

If anyone has a topic for me to write about or hear my opinion of suggestions are welcome. I think I need a bit of direction.

Catching up

Wow, it has been quite a while since I posted - 2 months tomorrow in fact. And such a lot has happened in this time. We lost another receptionist (she had an attitude problem, it was inevitable), we decided we don't need one. Then me, Jesse, Jade and Stretch went on holidays to QLD...and Jade & Stretch are now engaged.

This is what I want to comment on tonight. First of all, I congradulate them, this is such an exciting thing! But then I think about my own situation.

Jesse and I have been together 5 years now, as of 27-04-2009, and I could not be happier with the circumstances! He is the love of my life and every day that I spend with him I get to know and love him more. I know it sounds silly, but it's true. Though we have been together so long we're still learning things about each other and growing in our relationship together.

But then I am forced to think about marriage, and why I am not engaged yet. I want to be all immature and throw a tantrum and nag Jesse to propose to me, but I know that is definitely the wrong way to go about it. My first thought is, I'm head over heels for you, why won't you propose!! Then I think, "Oh my god, I'm only 19, what am I thinking about marriage for'...'but I'm so in love with him and know he's the One for me'...and it's all one big circle.

The fact that I've already ruined my proposal through my own stubborness and issues really hurts, but I knew that if he didn't tell me I doubt we would still be together. It feels weird typing that, but it's actually true. Whether it was because we broke up or something else, it's true. And I hate admitting that, but it's my own fault and I must now wait on Jesse's timing.

The thing is though, he had planned my dream proposal for me. He was going to propose to me at my 21st! It wasn't my 21st that I was dreaming of in particular, but just any birthday party. When he told me my heart literally skipped a beat and I felt so 'ohmygodheplannedmydreamproposalwithoutknowing' if that is such a thing to feel.

So now I must wait. But I can live with that...

maybe.

This has dragged on too long. Thanks for reading.

Sleep...

Sleep is a magical thing that we never seem to get enough/have enough of. There is always something in the way; not enough hours in the day, or too many thoughts running through your head. Whatever the reason, it seems to carry over and effect not just the next day but the one after, and so the cycle continues.

I went to be about midnight on Saturday and woke up about 8am. This was a long sleep for me and boy did I need it. No sooner had I crawled into bed with Jesse he had to go to church early and I fell back to sleep into delirious dreams. I had woken up with a headache, burning sore throat and a pimple on my tongue. Not the best start.

So now, I've taken a strong cold/flu tablet over 30 mins ago now. It's meant to make you heaps drowsy but I'm still awake. My throat is so sore I've now taken 2 more panadol and am waiting for them to kick in so I can get some sleep (oh yeah, my headache is back).

We'll see how we go.

update

well, I figured it was about time for an update. This post most likely won't be very long as I am typing it from my brand new Blackberry Bold phone. Yes, some people (my mother for example) don't think I can afford it or think it's worth spending so much money on, but I like it. (And it means I have a better phone than Jesse.)

Currently I'm quite lacking in sleep. It has been a week since I went to sleep before midnight and it's caught up to me: I had to take this arvo off work as I felt I could not concentrate properly.

Anyway, I'm off for the night, I hope there are not too many errors here.

And it continues...

Well, my blog has been suffering these last few days due to the huge debacle with Origin. Rosie and I spent the last hour writing an email to the energy ombudsman explaining our story and asking if there was any way we could get some form of compensation for our time, phone calls, inconvenience and lowered productivity at work. If not, a formal compaint has been lodged with Origin.

And it's not all their fault. It's mainly Direct Connect's fault. If they had let us know in the first place that our gas couldn't be connected with AGL then none of this would have happened.

But we've finally got a break and a private gas fitter is coming out tomorrow to reinstate the gas supply - no more dealing with Origin!

So anyway, the last 7 days have been incredibly frustrating and my emotions have been going haywire. Everything that could go wrong in this situation, HAS gone wrong.

But enough bitching from me. Hope you're all having better days/week that I have.

Gassy issues

Well, I can't say the last few days haven't been boring, but our gas was disconnected. I don't want to whine lots in my blog, but I am quite frustrated that our gas wasn't connected properly when we moved in - back in September so now we've been disconnected. So I've been on the phone to our unit agent & AGL and Direct Connect and it's still not happening, so more calls will have to be made tomorrow.

I don't really have too many thoughts for you to ponder. It was a long week and I've had so much going through my mind.

But I need to be off now, I have to get my work stuff packed so I can go stay at my cousin's.

Meh.

I'm not really sure how to express the thoughts that are going through my mind. I've got a slight headache and I'm still sleep deprived. It's been a week now since I've gone to sleep before midnight. I had good intentions of going to sleep on time last night but cards ran late and I still didn't get to sleep before midnight. And then Jesse's alarm went off about 6.15...

Work was pretty boring today. With my boss in Perth and my manager not back until tomorrow it was quiet, and that gave me way too much time to think. I reckon that's why I was feeling a bit nostalgic.

Well, tonight will just be a short entry, it feels like my headache is getting worse and I have another full day of work ahead of me tomorrow.

It feels like Thursday, but it's only Tuesday

Well, after so many late nights they have finally taken their toll. I think I'm getting sick. I had a runny nose this morning, and I'm constantly tired. I don't notice it all the time as when I get busy at work I get my second, third...whatever wind but when it all slows back down it hits me and it's like my brain switches itself off.

I found this quote which I think is kinda relevant: "I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed."

I don't really have much else to post tonight, except the first verse to this song by Casting Crowns "Praise You in This Storm"

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

It's good to know that people have actually read this - it's doesn't make me feel like such a loser just posting my thoughts. Good night!

Blah

Well, it is once again that time of night - time to procrastinate sleep and write my blog. I am absolutely exhausted. The last 2 nights (Friday & Saturday) I have gone to bed at 2am and have been struggling to keep my eyes open both times. Why am I doing this to myself?

There have been a couple times lately where I've felt so out of place, but I don't know if anyone noticed. I don't think so, as I passed it off as being something else - too hot, too tired, both are valid excuses.

I woke up this morning with a slight headache and feeling a little ill - it was like a slight hangover, but I haven't had any alcohol in a few weeks. But I got the sweetest message from Jesse that was so simple but made me feel so special. From then on though, I don't know if it was the fact I wasn't really doing anything or something else, but I just felt so blah. I felt ill during the Rage service (which went well!) and I reckon it's all coming back to fatigue.

So I suppose that means I should probably switch off my computer and go to sleep. But I know that as soon as I sign off of here I will not do that. I haven't quite mastered that self control yet.

Just a few thoughts

It's late, I'm exhausted and for some reason I still feel like posting a blog. It's hot and I'm putting off going to bed, even though it's most likely hotter here in the office than in the bedroom.

Today started out OK and then for some relatively unknown reason my mood completely flipped and I just felt so unmotivated. The last hour at work was very busy and I didn't really have too much more time to think. Since then I've been outside and the heat has kinda melted my mind and it's turned itself off and I haven't been thinking.

Jesse ended up staying over last night, and it was really good just to spend time with him. We watched an episode of Burn Notice and I was looking up prices and plans for Blackberry Bolds. I'm considering getting one, but it's only free on the $99/month cap, otherwise it's $999 outright.

I am just wondering if anyone reads this blog...it is good to get stuff out but I'm also looking for a bit of feedback. I've set it so anyone can comment, you don't have to have a Blogger account.

Anyway, I should probably go to sleep. It's well past my bedtime and I'm up late again tomorrow night.

Out of ideas for a catchy title...

Not much to really write about tonight. I talked to Gretel about the tests that the Drs are going to do to Jesse on Monday. She explained everything so I understood what they are going to do and feel a bit better about it now. But I am still annoyed that he hasn't been online all day so I haven't been able to talk to him at all. But he said he would drop past on his way home from work tomorrow night so that will be good.

Work was tough...physically. I know it sounds strange for someone who works in an office but me and Lynn rearranged the lunch room...well, Lynn helped me move the desk & table and I set up the TV and moved all the boxes of paper. It was hard work, especially in heels!

Anyway, I did have something else to write but I was distracted by episode 8 of Scrubs season 8!

Good night!

Again!! I love you Jesse!

OK...so I sit down to eat my dinner and I get a message from my darling boyfriend saying he's on his way to hospital because he's choking...again! Not as serious as last time - no blood, so I'm assuming no serious damage to his osophegus. But he's now on a clear fluid diet tomorrow and coloured fluids a day or two after before progressing to soft foods. This happened previously, almost 3 years ago when I was in year 12 when he actually made a gash on his osophegus and he is getting tests tomorrow to see if there is scar tissue or something else slightly blocking the path of his food down to his stomach as he has noticed changes in his gag reflex since that incident.

Anyway. what to think about this. First of all, I am glad to know instead of only finding out 2 hours later that he was even taken to hospital, and that time was far more serious! But I really don't know what to feel. I know he is going to be OK - he's not going to die. there is no threat of that. I am worried about the weight he is going to lose being on the liquid diet, it was quite dramatic last time but at least this time he has slightly more weight on him - but he has to be careful not to become underweight.

I guess perhaps for now I should try and get some sleep. It is a bit after midnight and I need to be at work at 8.30. But I should mention now that the Perth office got their internet back up and running today! Hooray!

Stumped

Well, it's been just under a week and I've already run out of things to write about. Work is still busy because Perth doesn't have the internet back up and running yet. Weather is still hot though cooler at night now which is a relief. I'm waiting for tafe to send me my information pack with my lesson stuff and timetable so there's really not a lot happening in my life at the moment.

Perhaps, if there is actually anyone who reads this, you would like to post a question or put something to me that you would like me to write about. Is there anything you would like to know about me or have my opinion on?

Anyway, I guess this is all I can really write tonight. Wow, what a boring post.

Happy 21st Birthday Luke!!

Well, it has been a couple days since I wrote my last blog. I meant to but it's been quite hot and I've been busy and tired after a long week.

I have a couple things to whine about - and that is all the speed limit changes between Strath and Victor Habour! It's insane...apparently we're not allowed to go fast. And slow drivers! I got stuck behind so many people doing 10-20km's under the speed limit. And I did more km's yesterday than I would do in an average week...

But apart from that there's been a few other things on my mind that I've been ignoring. The main one Jesse confronted me on this morning. I haven't had a chance to speak with him about it since. I didn't realloy want to go into detail about it on the phone as there was someone else in the room with me, but I know I am frustrating him. I know my mind doesn't make sense and what I do doesn't make sense. To clarify a little, I said I would go to church this morning but then I changed my mind and messaged Jesse saying "can you please burn me a copy of the service" and he rang me straight back saying "why aren't you coming?" Of course I didn't have a good excuse, but to be honest I just didn't feel like it. I wanted a copy of the service to listen/watch it in my own time. I know I was being lame, but it's not something I want to deal with at the moment.

Anyway, I'm going to leave my blog here for tonight. I haven't really given you much to think about, so I'll give you this that Joel heard.

You can trust everyone. Just not the devil inside of them.

hot, Hot, HOT!!

OK, so I notice on Facebook the majority of the status' are of this heat wave we are going through. Well I don't blame people! It was 45C after all today. It is one of those times where I am incredibly glad that I work in an air conditioned office.

I don't know how I am going to get to sleep tonight. I have a feeling I'll be going back to the bathroom to grab a cold facewasher and keep that by my bedside. And have the fan going all night...again.

The receptionist at work had been doing better the last couple days but today, without Nick (our boss) around, she just didn't seem as productive. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's because Nick was back in Perth she just didn't prioritize and get stuff done. So when 5.20pm rolled around there was a mad rush to get all the mail ready to be posted out. We'll see how she goes for the rest of the week and when Nick gets back next Thursday I'm pretty sure he'll want a decision.

But until then I have other things to think about - like our Perth office. Internet has been down now for 5 working days and we are having to pick up some of the slack. But one person I am really worried about is my manager. She is really struggling and doesn't know how much more she can take. Her son (late 30's) has had cancer now for 3 years and he has to undergo a new lot of treatment. Her husband is undergoing surgery tomorrow for his third kidney stone. and her daughter (40, I think) has to put up with a husband who doesn't understand what it means to be a father to his two little boys (18 months & 4 months) because he still wants to go out in this heat! It just frustrates me when people don't stop to think of others like this - especially two gorgeous little boys!!

I think that's enough for tonight. The laptop is really making my legs all sweaty, I need to turn it off.

Addictions, demons, and angry clients

I am addicted to Facebook. I admit that. I cannot start my day without logging on and know what has happened while I slept and I cannot help but log on just before I go to bed. I don't think it is a bad addiction. If I don't have internet for a couple days I don't feel the withdrawal until I get online and think of what I may have missed in the last couple days.

We all have our own personal demons that we face on a daily basis. Whether or not we choose to recognise them and deal with them is up to each individual. I go through so many emotions each and every day that I often ignore my demons and they tend to go away. But it is when I dwell on my demons that they really begin to take over and steer my thoughts in the wrong direction.

What doesn't really help the situation is when, at 4.45pm a client rings up and virtually abuses me about something I had spoken to her about just a few days earlier. And yes, we did make a mistake, but that is no reason to yell at me! While yes, it was so close to the end of the day, it put me in a sour mood.

I guess we all go through things that aren't easy, but whether or not we let them get to us and become our demon is what makes us who we are.

Decisions, decisions

So here I am, exhausted after a beautiful hot Australia day spent relaxing with friends and I can't help but reminisce and ponder how I got to this point. And yet my thoughts are hampered somewhat by the annoying throb of a headache I can't seem to throw. I feel sleep deprived yet I don't seem to want to sleep. I feel like something is wrong yet I don't want to search deeper afraid of what I might find.

I have a big decision that I need to make at work, and it reminds me of how young I am and how lucky I am in my career so far. I have excelled in my work and my boss is very happy with my performance and wants to keep challenging and pushing me to do more - I know this, he told me on Friday - but he feels that I do not have the proper assistance I need to advance in the current receptionist. So I need to decide whether or not the current receptionist really is suitable for the job. My gut feeling from her performance in the past month is that she is not quite up to it, but I feel so bad saying it. I will talk it over with my manager when she gets back into the office on Wednesday but I believe that we'll need to find another receptionist - it will be our 4th since February last year.

Now I address another issue... for some reason in the past week I find that I am depriving myself of sleep. I am not sure why. I go to bed, tired after a long day, yet I procrastinate, not wanting to go to sleep, wanting to tire myself out. I am doing it again tonight by writing this blog. But I'll make the decision now, I must turn out my light, ready for a busy day of work in the morning.

I just hope I follow through.