New story

Yay, I was able to write this morning! I woke up about 10 after falling back to sleep once Jesse had left for church. I woke up to an empty house, no distractions. So I pulled out my laptop and was able to write the following beginning to a story.

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I was driving home and I was exhausted. The headlights of my car barely pierced through the darkness to see one hundred metres in front of me. It was eerie, and my nerves kept me awake, despite the heaviness of my eyelids. Suddenly, everything went pitch black and I slammed on the breaks, hoping not to hit anything in the process. I panicked as my car skid to a halt, wondering what the hell had happened.

As my car came to a halt I hoped that there was no one else driving along the road, I had no idea which lane I was even in. I assumed I hadn't gone off the road as I didn't hear the sound of tyres on the gravel shoulder. I sat completely still, my hands clenched on the steering wheel, my heart racing in my chest, as I tried to calm myself down and let my eyes adjust to the light.

There was no breeze at all, the night air cool and still. As I opened the car door there was a deafening silence outside and the car, and I was still unable to comprehend exactly what had happened. Closing the door behind me, the sound seemed to echo, and I thought I would hear the distress of a nearby bird, but there was nothing.

Now outside the car, the faint light from the moon above scarcely lit the road on which I stood. I was definitely still on a sealed road, not the gravel shoulder, and a long way from the nearest town.

I stood off the road and fished my mobile phone from my pocket, but that, too, would not turn on. Swearing at my phone I shoved it back in my pocket. Feeling optimistic I went back to the car and tried turning it on to see if it would work now. But when I turned the key there was so noise at all, no attempt for the engine to turn over and come to life. Swearing again at my car I leaned over to the passenger seat and grabbed my jacket. It was going to be a long walk.

As I stepped out of the car I did wonder for a moment if I should move it off the road, but did not think I would be able to do it by myself. I took the keys from the ignition and out of habit locked the vehicle, with no seemingly logical reason why.

I started on my long trek to the nearest town, where I would hopefully be able to find some help. About 5 minutes into my walk I saw a light up ahead. It was a comforting sight to see as I was still surrounded by the darkness. I hoped that it was another car, pulled over for some other reason other than car troubles. Though, their lights were working, which is more than I could say.

Nearing the light I saw that it wasn’t a car, but a lantern, just left on the side of the road. I was cautious in my approach, keeping an ear out for any noises besides those of my feet. But I heard nothing else.

There was a piece of paper sitting on the ground next to the note and I found this more than ominous. As I crouched to pick up and read the piece of paper the lantern went out. The thoughts through my head were mostly swearing and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!

“Soren needs you,” said a cool mesmerising voice in front of me.

I looked up to see where the voice had come from but felt a strange heaviness come over me, as if the air I was breathing was too thick. My eyes closed and I felt cool, strong arms catch me before I hit the ground.

A little unsatisfied

Unsatisfied. That is what I have been feeling. I can't believe it's taken me this many weeks to figure it out! Despite what I have in my life I still don't feel like it is enough, that I am content and satisfied.

But why?

I have a wonderful and loving boyfriend.
I have a secure and interesting job.
I have a loving and caring family and network of friends.

So what is missing in my life?

One major thing I have noticed in the past few months is my ability to write. It just hasn't been there. I have lost my inspiration and imagination to write, despite the fact that I would love to be able to.

I have pushed myself back into reading, as opposed to watching quite so much TV, and I hope that this will work and open my mind back up to the endless possibilities that I can create.

I'm hoping that this will also be the answer to my somewhat dull weekends. I did have plans for tonight and yes, it is my own fault that I cancelled them, but I knew I would not have the stamina for a night on the town and I would be a downer. But what to do with the time I now have? I have finished the series of books I was reading (The Sookie Stackhouse novels, can't remember the author at the moment, brilliant though), and I cannot write. Facebook and Evony can only take up so much of my time before they too become boring and uninteresting.

I'm hoping that my discontent and unsatisfaction with my life is based around my writing. It would make the problem so easy to fix. The only problem is, where to start?

Blogging

I was watching the latest episode of House MD today which had an interesting concept about blogging. The patient was a blogger, she put her life, her thoughts, her everything on the internet, to the sometimes frustration of her husband. She shared her entire self with her online friends.

And she said something that I thought I should share. How often is it that we share everything with the person we see everyday? Not just 'how was your day' but 'how are you feeling today', 'what are you thinking', 'is there anything worrying you'.

She said during the episode, "I wish you had a blog so I could know what you are thinking."

Are we like this sometimes with other people, not willing to share ourselves with those around us? And what is it that we are afraid of if we choose not to?

Just some thoughts.

Losing control

This is the second time I've tried to write this post tonight. I just can't seem to express my thoughts in a way that makes sense. So I'm giving this another shot.

I have been absolutely exhausted these last 2 weeks. Not just the regular exhausted from staying up too late at night on a work night, but mentally and emotionally exhausted the minute I leave work to drive home. There was an occassion last week where I went to drive somewhere to get tea and not thinking I drove in the complete wrong direction. I just had no idea what I was doing.

And then on the weekend I was constantly tired, despite getting many extra hours of sleep. Bed well before midnight, awake well after 8. I just had no energy.

There are a couple things that I think it stems from.

The first is that I have just started training someone new at work. So not only am I thinking of the millions of things I have to do, I am also trying to teach Julie all the while answering the queries of everyone who walks past my desk and worrying about all the things I could be doing that are falling behind. Then on the weekend I was surrounded by people. Normally I relish company and hate being alone, but this weekend was different. I was so sick of teaching and having to be there for people that it physically drained me. I just had to get away but I couldn't, there were people everywhere.

The second is a personal addiction that Jesse has forced to me admit to myself. And no, it isn't Facebook, not this time. But sadly, even after talking to him, I have not been 100% honest with him.

I have so many thoughts running through my head at any point during the day that I'm slowly losing control of myself. It's too exhausting to continue my self-control which keeps me from doing something I regret. It's too exhausting to pretend to be nice. It's too exhausting to pretend I care. Multiple times tonight I have contemplated throwing my laptop across the room to release some of the pressure.

Oh, and the first person who suggests prayer as something to do I will physically harm. Give me advice I can work with.