This is the second time I've tried to write this post tonight. I just can't seem to express my thoughts in a way that makes sense. So I'm giving this another shot.
I have been absolutely exhausted these last 2 weeks. Not just the regular exhausted from staying up too late at night on a work night, but mentally and emotionally exhausted the minute I leave work to drive home. There was an occassion last week where I went to drive somewhere to get tea and not thinking I drove in the complete wrong direction. I just had no idea what I was doing.
And then on the weekend I was constantly tired, despite getting many extra hours of sleep. Bed well before midnight, awake well after 8. I just had no energy.
There are a couple things that I think it stems from.
The first is that I have just started training someone new at work. So not only am I thinking of the millions of things I have to do, I am also trying to teach Julie all the while answering the queries of everyone who walks past my desk and worrying about all the things I could be doing that are falling behind. Then on the weekend I was surrounded by people. Normally I relish company and hate being alone, but this weekend was different. I was so sick of teaching and having to be there for people that it physically drained me. I just had to get away but I couldn't, there were people everywhere.
The second is a personal addiction that Jesse has forced to me admit to myself. And no, it isn't Facebook, not this time. But sadly, even after talking to him, I have not been 100% honest with him.
I have so many thoughts running through my head at any point during the day that I'm slowly losing control of myself. It's too exhausting to continue my self-control which keeps me from doing something I regret. It's too exhausting to pretend to be nice. It's too exhausting to pretend I care. Multiple times tonight I have contemplated throwing my laptop across the room to release some of the pressure.
Oh, and the first person who suggests prayer as something to do I will physically harm. Give me advice I can work with.
you are not the first person to feel like this and you won't be the last. As you know who I am, you know I am not going to suggest prayer.
ReplyDeleteWhat I do think is that everything your doing is starting to feel like the same thing is happening day after day that you might think your getting into a rut, or that your not even 21 yet and your life is settling down quickly.
I would suggest change it up for a day. Take a day you won't be working or waking up early the next day and do something you wouldn't normally do. Eg: go rock-climbing, ice-skating, etc.
or go for a jog/run until you feel exhausted - it might not be your thing but sometimes physical excercise makes you feel better - it releases some chemicals in your brain or something..?!
ReplyDeleteI've thought about running to Mt.Barker from my house once or twice - but the only reason i havent done it yet is the time factor. But someday when i have a day free and someone else who wants to meet me for a drink when i get to mt.barker.... i will do it.